My Love

The day everything started.

Lately, you had probably noticed it too… I was really stressed whenever we talked on video calls. That’s actually why I got a cat—just to feel a bit of peace. I knew I had to quit the game. But I was too deep in. I tried to leave it so many times. But each time, they would call me, reach out, and say things like “Come back, we need you.” And I’d go. I had an idea—maybe if I became weaker, they’d stop calling. But even that didn’t work. Just like in real life, I was a character they always needed. I was popular. Even in real life, whenever I walk into a room, people notice, ask about me, draw energy from me. They feel better around me, get motivated, and somehow I help them recharge. I guess… I’m the alpha. But it’s exhausting sometimes.

But deep down, I was alone

Everyone found comfort or a remedy for their troubles, but no one ever looked at me and asked, "Mehmet, are you okay? Is something bothering you?" Not even once. And my life has always been like that — I had to stand on my own feet, be strong, stand tall, and always be smart. But somewhere along the way, I forgot my feelings. I was smiling, but something was always missing. Deep inside me, there was a loud scream — but I didn’t want to hear it. Because I knew if I listened to that voice, I would get sad, and I would make everyone else sad too. As someone who wants people to be happy, I couldn’t allow that. So, I never listened to that voice. But I knew I was alone.

The breaking point.

Then I met you. Yes, it was all virtual, and we were far apart, but your jokes, your playful motivation—even if it was just a game—and the way you took things seriously… I saw myself in you. Someone who helps others without expecting anything in return, someone who stands tall like a true hero. That day, the scream I didn’t want to hear shouted so loud that it didn’t break anyone else—it broke my own self. Yes, I was hurting even though I smiled. Yes, while I spread positive energy to everyone, that place where the scream came from was filled with negativity. And yes, I couldn’t do some things alone. I needed someone—someone who could be a balm to my wounds. Me, who was used to doing everything alone, it felt strange to get help from someone. But it had to be someone strong like me. And it was you—the one with a heart like an angel.

What happened next.

Then, as you know, we kept talking. Because I kept postponing my work, my life got out of balance—I was always stuck in the game. And if you remember, you told me that the bank had sent a message and called me. Since my English wasn’t good enough and they didn’t explain things clearly, I couldn’t give you a clear answer. I told you I would visit the bank. I assumed it was because a software I had written earlier had crashed. This situation was really bothering me—I even told you about it. Yes, it was truly frustrating because having to review and redo work you’ve already done is tough and annoying. This situation made me sad.

Unforeseen consequences.

The problem was, I should have quit the game. No one should get hurt, and they should forget about me. So, I started to focus on real work. At first, I was a bit harsh with my friends. I constantly challenged my leadership position and caused unnecessary conflicts, which led to me being completely erased from the game. Behind me, I left theories and guesses—no one knew the truth. Everyone was interpreting things in their own way. Naturally, since no one knew what was really going on, when people asked, “Where is Mehmet?” there was no clear answer. I was bound to be forgotten. But when I came back, they would want to hear the truth from me. Yes, the plan worked; everything was going well. But it wasn’t the bank that had called me after all.

To be caught off guard.

A man who single-handedly developed the database and cybersecurity infrastructure of a bank like QNB Finansbank caught the attention of Turkey’s National Intelligence Organization. When they investigated me, they also discovered that I was a hacker, and as a result, I was placed under a state protection program. In short, I became part of Turkey’s cyber army. The wars between neighboring countries like Israel, Iran, and Syria made Turkey uneasy and concerned. There are some reasons I cannot share. Because of this program, they took everything from us and sent us to a long and arduous training camp. You can see the pictures below.

Training time.

The reason they gave us weapons training and close combat training was to prepare us to protect ourselves in any possible scenario. That’s why we received the necessary defense training. This mission came from the darkest corners of the government. It was so secret that it doesn’t even exist in the records. Everything was hidden behind a veil of secrecy. My phone was taken from me, and my connection to the outside world was completely cut off. The mission was at the heart of cyber warfare. The burden of Turkey’s critical systems was on our shoulders, and it would have been selfish to put that burden on our loved ones. Everyone involved came unaware and without prior knowledge. If we had contacted anyone or spoken to someone, they would have thought we leaked information. Security was on the highest alert. Everything we did was being monitored—even our every breath was being listened to, and that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. Even the food we ate was carefully selected.

To break the ban.

Everyone was thinking of someone they loved—some talked about their children, others about their partners. I was thinking of you. I told you about our two girls, always holding onto the hope of “Just get through tomorrow, it will end.” I had to somehow let you know I was alive, but I had to do it without putting either you or myself in danger. All my engineering knowledge and technical skills flashed before my eyes, but there was no way out. We were like prisoners, wanting what our hearts desired but unable to go out and get it ourselves. And yes, after days, I finally found a way and sent you a message. Months later, I messaged you again. When we finished our mission, I wrote to you two days before—with only 2% battery left, I fell asleep in the car. You blocked me :) No worries, I’m fine. Everything has passed, and I made it through. What I did maybe saved the lives of millions. We are like unsung heroes.

To hold on to the one you love.

I created a daily journal website where I wrote down my feelings and thoughts every single day. Here are a few examples from it:

• 1 November – All Saints’ Day: Today, I’m thinking of all the beautiful souls, and you are like the most beautiful among them, Elizabeth.
• 25 December – Christmas: Sending you my warmest Christmas wishes. Even if I can’t be by your side, my heart is always with you.
• 31 March – Easter: The day of rebirth, hope, and new beginnings for us... I’m thinking of you.
• 25 April – ANZAC Day: Today, I remember the heroes. You are the greatest hero in my life.
• 8 June – Pentecost: Today is a day filled with the power of the Spirit. I hope our hearts come together again.

The dawn of a new life

Yes, I know you’re hurt and upset with me. I hurt you, I caused you pain, but I was afraid of putting you in danger. Not a single day went by without thinking of you. Every day, I wrote something, hoping to share it with you when I came back. And now, here I am, with my whole being, with everything I am. Yes, my life is full of mysteries. Yes, I disappeared without saying anything. I wanted to go on a vacation with you, I had dreams. But I couldn’t do anything—it all happened so suddenly. I love you so much. You are my everything—my mother, my sister, my father, my home. You are the trees, the flowers, everything I see around me. Elizabeth, in such a short time, you didn’t touch my hand, but you touched my heart. I love you so, so much. I will always protect you and make you happy. I will protect our daughters too. You make me happy, my honey. I’m sorry.

If you made it all the way here,

I couldn’t reach out to you because of my fears and worries. I was afraid of putting you in danger. You mean so much to me, and I’m truly sorry I couldn’t give you the kind of explanation you deserved. I know I left you in confusion in the past, and I’m deeply sorry for that. I was worried… everything was being watched, recorded, listened to. But even so, I thought of you every single day — every moment, every minute. I wrote down what I was feeling and thinking constantly. Don’t ever think we were apart. I talked to you as if you were right next to me. You’re incredibly precious to me, sweetheart. You have a strong man who loves you deeply. If you’ve read all of this… I’ll be waiting for your message, my love.